10 Habits of Healthy Couples
Tarah Avery
Hey friends! Below are 10 habits that were suggested to us from wise people on how to do relationships well.
In reality, there are more than 10 habits that create healthy relationships, but these are 10 of our favorites, and ones that have (in my opinion) impacted our marriage the most.
1. Texting doesn’t count as talking.
Back when I worked a “regular” 9-5 job when Gordon and I didn’t have as much time together as we do these days, we used to have this thing we called a “10-minute talk,” which is simply making sure that we talk-on-the-phone for 10 minutes (usually no more but never less) each workday.
The 10-minute talk changed our dating years. And I say that because now we work together from home and have no need for a 10-minute talk since we eat lunch together.
We started feeling more connected as a couple than when we just texted all the time. The voice to voice connection made all the difference. Sure, sometimes our conversations were shallow and we had no clue what to talk about. Other days we have an overabundance to talk about! But we kept it at 10 minutes simply to make sure we had enough time to get the other things we needed done during our lunch breaks.
This didn’t replace texting, but it made for an already planned talk time where we could talk deeper or hash out misunderstandings or conflicts over the phone, rather than text; because text fighting is one of the WORST ways you can bring miscommunication and hurt to your relationship.
This habit became one of our favorite rituals during our weekday. It made our good days better and usually our bad days brighter.
2. Pray together daily.
In the first 6 months or so of dating Gordon, I made a “simple” (or maybe not so simple) request. I asked him to lead us in prayer more.
A man that leads you in prayer daily is a man you want to hold on to. A woman who is a prayer warrior and seeks the Lord out for herself and others is a woman worth fighting for. And a man or woman who prays with you is confident in their faith. You don’t want to be with anyone whose faith is wavering.
Prayer can be a vulnerable thing. If you can make it a habit to pray daily, include God in your everyday life in everyday things, you will be successful in your relationship and your life.
3. Seek Mentors.
Mentorship is one of the biggest ways you can bless yourself. To have a mentor you can look up to and seek to help you through times of doubt, fear, worry and just overall guide you in life choices is priceless! Who are you meeting with regularly to help you become a better you?
Besides individual mentoring, find a couple who you look up to and who has what you want, and ask them for mentorship as a couple. Gordon and I have had amazing mentors in the past who have helped us grow and develop into the husband and wife God has called us to be.
In-person mentors are the best, but sometimes mentors are found in books. We have so many people who we call “mentors” that are our book mentors >> Shaunti Feldhahn, John & Stasi Eldredge, & John Mark Comer to name a few.
4. Say “thank you” every day.
Gordon and I have this thing we do. For both of us, it’s become a sort of ritual we do daily (some might call that a habit). Sometimes one person will start and then it will get us on a roll.
We say “thank you” a lot. All throughout the day. And it’s for the average, everyday things like doing the dishes, making breakfast or coffee, even refilling the T.P. roll!
One thing we’ve come to value is to say thank you in the mundane, not just in those moments of going the extra mile.
5. Go to church together.
“The rate of divorce in the church is 25-50% lower than among those who don’t attend worship services, and those who prioritize their faith and/or pray together are dramatically happier and more connected.”
–Shaunti Felhahn & Colleagues/ The Good News About Marriage, Pg. 86
It seems funny, but when I was single God removed me from the church I came to Christ in (and where I met Gordon), because my heart was not in it for Jesus. I went there weekly simply to see the man I had already given my heart to and who is now my wonderful husband. And because of this God led me to a different church for a season to get my heart right again.
After some discussion, prayer, and the advice of wise people, I decided to leave that church and we started attending church together. I don’t believe that God would call any married couple to different churches, so we wanted to cut that habit out in the beginning of dating.
I would urge you to get in a supportive community of some sort if you’re currently not invested in one. Research shows that the divorce rate of those who joined and stayed in a supportive community was one-third of the average (The Good News About Marriage, Pg. 31)!
Wow. That one factor alone could change the direction of your relationship.
6. Have a weekly date night.
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule but to schedule your priorities.” -Stephen Covey
Plan to play is a big theme in our house. It was a lesson that Gordon learned from his grandparents who had a great marriage. Gordon always says he wants to be just like his grandpa Gordon (who he was named after).
Make each other a priority. Put date night on the calendar.
7. Talk about your shared dreams often.
This one could be hard to put into practice. I don’t think we dream enough. Sure, many millennials have joined the bandwagon of pursuing their dreams – often by becoming entrepreneurs (ourselves included) – but many of us don’t know what our dreams even are. How do you dream? What does that look like?
When we dream together, we are creating emotional intimacy between us. Just talking about where we see our relationship years from now – what our house looks like, where we live, how many kids we have, what our perfect day is like, etc. – is a way to create a deep bond and keep us on a path toward togetherness and unity.
8. Find friends you can share your hearts with.
I love guys’ nights and girls’ nights. But only when they aren’t used as an “escape” from your spouse. We all need friends in our lives who are a source of encouragement, refreshment, and accountability. As Proverbs says,
As iron sharpens iron so a friend sharpens a friend.
We need friends we can be honest with and who can be honest back. Friends who will cheer us on and encourage us towards being better and doing better. Friends that we can be transparent with and who we know will still love us and point us toward Jesus.
These types of friendships are paramount for a healthy relationship. You can’t isolate yourself and make your spouse everything in your life. We need each other and that includes deep friendships.
Gordon and I are blessed in friendship. And we make sure that we make our friends a priority because we know it makes us better people and better spouses to each other.
9. Don’t live together before marriage.
“Couples that cohabitate tend to slide into a long-term relationship and even marriage without making a decision of commitment prior to living together, which then increases the risk of divorce.” -Dr. Stanley /The Good News About Marriage, Pg. 30
I know lots of people who would argue with this. Just remember that there are always “exceptions to the rule,” but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Also, friend, this does not mean that couples who do cohabitate are doomed to failure, but it does make the likelihood of your marriage lasting a lifetime significantly less.
The reason most couples cohabitate (that I’ve heard) is to “try it out.” To make sure that the two of you can live together. The problem with this is that now you are looking for negative habits that might rub against your way of living. You’re trying to keep your independence when the very nature of marriage is to become more of who you are with your spouse.
There is no keeping independence in marriage, and if we walk into it with that type of thinking, we are already setting our marriage up for failure. God says in marriage you are no longer two people but one. One unit. One body in sync with each other in all that you do.
10. Invest in your first love.
Make time for God. Making time for him is of utmost importance. Making sure that each of you are spending quality time investing in your relationship with God will make all the difference in your marriage. It is in this relationship that we bear the fruit of being the husbands and wives we were meant to be. Without God’s goodness, his grace, and his love, we are unable to do relationships the way he intended.
There you have it! We hope that you pick a few of these and start putting them into practice in your relationship. Or maybe this article was a confirmation of the healthy habits you’ve placed in your own life. Either way, keep on being intentional, extend grace to one another (because we all mess up), and allow God to envelop you in His love until you overflow to those around you, especially your spouse.
What is one habit out of these 10 that intrigues you the most and would like to start practicing?
Your Friend,
