3 Strategies for Building Better Communication with Your Spouse
Tarah Avery
I was recently asked this question, what are some things we can do to communicate better or to learn to be better listeners?
Most of us can be put into two categories: 1) The “good listeners” and 2) The “good communicators.” It’s usually the quiet ones of us who get put in the listener’s category and the talkers who get put into the good communicators category. And to go even further I would say in general most women are more of the talkers while most men are the listeners.
It’s different in my family (we have many role reversals). I have always been more of a listener than a talker and Gordon is definitely more of a talker than a listener. When we began dating and especially in marriage we’ve had to work on this. There are times when Gordon just needs to listen while I need to talk.
But just talking and just listening doesn’t mean that you will have good communication. There are three strategies that have made a huge impact on our marriage and I hope that it does the same for you.
Understanding Listening vs. Active Listening.
Listening has always been a strong suit of mine. When friends or family just need to talk, I am always there to listen. But there is a big difference between listening by nodding your head and throwing in a “uh-huh” every now and then. I used to do this all the time and I have come to find that to be lazy listening.
Now sometimes lazy listening is ok, say when someone just needs to get something off their chest and isn’t looking for your engagement or advice. But most of the time I would try to stray from lazy listening.
What is even better for creating good listening skills is practicing active listening. This is not the time to be distracted by other things, stop what you’re doing, and give your spouse your undivided attention. This shows you really care about what they have to say.
Once the conversation starts, engage in it. Being a good listener is about engaging and being attentive to the conversation. Maybe ask some questions to help your spouse figure out the deeper heart issue behind what they’re struggling with or try to understand where they’re coming from and allow them the adequate time they need to process through vocalizing their emotions and frustrations.
If you are the one talking and you don’t feel your partner is listening or if they’re interrupting, tell them that, but don’t do it in a harsh way. Or even better, preface the conversation by telling them what you need- maybe that’s advice or just simply letting them vent. For me oftentimes I come to Gordon needing help with figuring out how I feel about something so he asks me a lot of questions (do you feel sad? Are you frustrated with so and so? Etc.)
It’s good to preface the conversation with letting your spouse know what you need from them, otherwise, we find ourselves disappointed because we had expectations that were never communicated. Nobody is a mind reader. Once you have their full attention, communicate your needs.
Also, for those who are married to a talkative spouse (like me), actively listen for as long as you can but once you are starting to check out let them know. I do this pretty regularly with Gordon. I just communicate that I am trying to keep engaged and listening but I am starting to tune him out so the conversation should probably start wrapping up. There is understanding here, he doesn’t get offended or upset because he sees that I am trying and I am at least communicating to him when it is becoming a struggle for me. Please give spouses like me some grace, we try really hard to keep focused and actively engaged in conversation but there is a limit and it’s important that we respect each other’s limits.
Schedule Heart Checkups.
This is for you and your spouse. I will cover the basics of a heart checkup but you can read more in-depth about it here: https://www.tarahavery.com/successful-marriage/
Pick 4 dates on your calendar where you and yours will get away for at least a night (2 is the best). If you cannot get away at least do this on date night 4 times a year or more if you’d like. Heart checkups are amazing and so encouraging!
So what is a “heart checkup” anyways? It is a scheduled “appointment” where you and your spouse get to share your hearts, good and bad, with each other. It is communicating very specific things that we often don’t think to do in a healthy way when life is crazy.
Basic rules for heart-checkups:
- During the heart checkup use those listening skills I talked about earlier. Each of you takes turns with no interrupting, when your spouse has the floor they have the floor, don’t worry you’ll get your turn.
- I know the encouragement is great but sometimes it can be hard to hear the one thing our spouse needs from us. This is not the time to get defensive and upset. This is the time to say ‘thank you’ and accept the criticism as a way to know how to love your spouse better.
- Pray together at the beginning and end of each heart checkup.
What do to before your heart-checkup:
- Write down (YES, write it down) 3 things your partner is doing amazing at and what you’d love to encourage them to keep doing. These can be big or small things. This is a time set aside especially to praise and encourage your spouse.
- Secondly, write down 1 thing that they could do to love you better. These can be big or small things. This is a time set aside especially to get what’s been bottled up inside and off your chest. Remember pick ONE thing, not a whole list of things. We all need more encouragement from each other, not discouragement.
Don’t be too hard on yourself or your spouse. Allow grace because sometimes the things we are supposed to work on won’t get accomplished by the next heart checkup. So use that one again and keep letting your spouse know what you need from them.
Schedule a weekly family meeting.
If you’re not an eat-dinner-at-the-table type of family like mine was growing up, this is just a helpful suggestion to stay connected as a family. I’ll be honest, we are still trying to implement this habit into our life and are not doing the best job at it, but some of the best husbands, wives and parents have done this and it’s something that Gordon and I want to implement into our life- especially when we have children. We just have to choose to have this discipline, and we just haven’t yet.
Now whether that’s just you and your hubby because you don’t have kids yet, or whether you have kids already, you can start this habit at any time.
Here is how it goes:
a. Decide on a place (living room, family room, kitchen, etc.), a day of the week (preferably when you don’t already have commitments), and a time (I’ve heard evenings work well) to have your family meetings.
Consistency is the most important thing here to keep good communication. If you change up the day and time every week the chances are the habit will cease to exist.
b. Set a time limit.
I for one hate meetings. I easily get bored and distracted and chances are either you or your spouse are the same. And if kids are in the mix this will be that much more important. Mentors of ours usually pick around 15 minutes; they can go less than that but no later.
c. Individually, share with your family one great thing about your week.
You might need to get out one of those little game piece timers or set a timer on your phone for this. We don’t want one person to be taking up the whole time talking about their week. Remember you have a limited time to get through all the important parts of the meeting. If something was really tough that week you can talk about that too and maybe pray as a family.
d. Once you’ve each shared a highlight and (if this applies) a struggle of your week, now is the time to make a request for the coming week.
You can make a request of anyone –to your husband or one of your children. For example: Asking your hubby to clean the gutters, or fix the bathroom toilet that’s been broken forever (if he’s a handyman, mine would probably make an appointment with a plumber), or maybe one of the kids requests you spend extra time with them that week, or you ask them to just sit and cuddle with you on the couch while you watch their favorite movie (kids never get old enough for that right?).
Being intentional is the best thing you can do for your family relationships. Make the time and don’t make it optional for your kids.
Communication is not something that “just happens” and when we do allow it to “just happen” it leads to assumptions, expectations & confusion. Communication is something that must be scheduled and planned intentionally.
So what are your next steps? Get out a calendar and together you and yours start planning when you’ll take those overnight dates to do marriage heart checkups as well as schedule those weekly family meetings. It might be hard at first but soon you’ll find yourself in a rhythm that will do your family wonders in your intimacy and joy together.
Carpe Diem my friend! It’s time to seize these moments with your family and start building healthy communication. It starts with you.
All my love,
