4 Simple Steps to Setting Boundaries
Tarah Avery
In the past couple of years, I have learned more about setting boundaries than I have in my entire adult life. Surprisingly (or not) it has been the years right after I got married & moved states.
Now unlike many people my age who have struggled with over-involved parents or friends, I haven’t had it that bad. My parents have done an amazing job raising me to be independent and able to take care of myself. Needless to say, there have been times where I’ve made choices that they may not have agreed with and it took some time for me to gain their support, but overall, I’d say I got pretty lucky.
However, getting married and moving states has been a wakeup call for all of us. In this process, I have had to learn how to fight for my new family (my husband and I) and make sure that we are protecting and fighting for each other. This includes protection from any outside influence that is harming our family, even if it’s coming from a loving place.
Now I will be honest and say that from a practical standpoint, I have made some choices that would be seen as flighty, or unwise. But isn’t that what faith is? I took some leaps of faith in my short adult life that has brought me huge growth, and each time they have been decisions that the Spirit has urged.
For instance, quitting college in year 3 and joining YWAM (Youth with A Mission) for 6 months. I did finish college, but at the time I didn’t think I would. And the most recent time moving to Denver from my hometown with no job opportunities, no apartment secured, and we were just gaining momentum in the music world where we were living at the time.
So I give my family & friends some slack in their concern. However, these moments of “unwise” choices have been the most impactfully healthy choices I’ve made. Each opportunity opened my eyes to boundaries that needed to be set in my own life to safeguard the path that God was leading me on.
Boundaries are not bad; in fact, they’re very, very good! But understand that for unhealthy people, boundaries seem unloving, unkind, mean & selfish. Don’t be surprised if this is how your family & friends react to you. The good news? Odds are, eventually, they will want a relationship with you and they will come around to the boundaries you’ve placed.
When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt…If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. ― Henry Cloud/ Boundaries
Sabbath is a day where Gordon and I turn off our phones. When we first did this, our families had a hard time. The “what if” game was constant– what if this happens or what if that happened and we couldn’t get hold of you? Legit concerns. But we had made a decision for our family and we needed our parents to respect this. So we stuck to our guns and now everyone knows we’re unavailable on Mondays. They came around, and yours will too.
So let’s get to it, what are some easy steps to setting boundaries?
What?
Identify what they’re doing that’s causing frustration or what areas are there unhealthy interactions.
One of the first signs that you’re beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. Just as radar signals the approach of a foreign missile, your anger can alert you to boundary violations in your life. ― Henry Cloud / Boundaries
Some examples could be getting extreme guilt text messages from parents OR maybe your parents are pressuring you about jobs and sending you job applications. Maybe you just feel criticized for everything in your life, or maybe you are being bombarded with calls daily by the same person.
Why?
Evaluate your emotions. Why does it make you feel this way when they overstep? Why are you frustrated?
In order to explain our feelings to those we love, we need to know the inner workings of our hearts and why certain things rub us wrong. Clear communication in this is important.
How?
Decide how will you share this. How do you want to move forward in this process?
Communication needs to start somewhere. My favorite form of communicating boundaries is via letter or email. Why? Because sometimes in-person confrontation can cause distress, leading you to bow out of the situation; plus it removes the “heat of the moment” emotions that will tend to rise up in both parties. This will also help you clarify exactly what you are trying to say and will already be the first boundary step by putting “distance” between you.
When?
Ok, now it’s time to decide when you are going to initiate this.
If we don’t actually take action in setting boundaries, nothing will change. Our actions must match our words. Words don’t usually get us anywhere; it is in our actions that those close to us will realize we’re looking for serious change. And remember the heart behind this is to bring health to the relationship.
Gordon and I decided after our first year of living in Denver that we wouldn’t allow anyone to visit us the following year. Part of this was because the family was making plans to visit regularly throughout the year without talking with us first, and the way we chose to do life was often criticized.
We had to take necessary measures to protect our family and make it clear that we wouldn’t tolerate being told how awful our life was or we weren’t doing this enough or we needed to do that more often, etc.
There was a boundary that had been crossed and we took action in a way we felt would be the most impactful moving forward.
Talking and talking won’t matter much to those you are trying to set boundaries with. Our actions must match our words. It might be agonizingly painful and scary at first (I know it was for me), but in the long run, you won’t regret it.
Who do you need to set boundaries with?
I pray that the Lord gives you the courage to act this out, clarity in communication and that it will bind you and your loved ones closer together.
All my Love,
