“because he first loved us…”
1 JOHN 4:19
The Beginning.
First Impressions.
You can never erase a first impression, and I will never forget my first impression of Gordon. It will sit fresh in my memory for the rest of our lives.
I was in my senior year of High School and I had just come on staff at our church working with kids. It was my first meeting with the team and I was so eager to get started! We were all there, it was at least 10 minutes past but for some reason the meeting hadn’t started yet.
Then all of the sudden this guy shows up, eating a giant sandwich, all loud and commanding like he ran the show or something. Who does this guy think he is, barging into our team meeting!?
What you didn’t know, . . . it was my meeting!
Well, needless to say, I was not impressed.
So, how would you have described me babe?
Cocky, obnoxious, and attention-seeking. LOL
Oh wow. I made quite the impression!
Hey, I’m being honest! What about me, what was your first impression?
Well, I had just graduated from George Fox University and was in the first years of figuring out the rest of my life. I was working at our church in the kids area when we first met. Here was this young blonde volunteering as a teacher for kindergarteners.
I was a 23 year old college graduate,
She was 17 . . . and still in high school!
So . . . there was no romantic interest on my end.
Probably why I don’t have much of a first impression (sorry babe!).
Working Together.
After that initial introduction, we didn’t see much of each other. I’d see him from time to time around the building. I noticed he was always loud, but I started noticing that he was kinda cute too. He had long blonde “skater” hair and a sexy, muscular chest (at least from what I could see in his tight fitted t-shirts). His arms weren’t too bad either. He was kinda funny too.
Oooooh. . .I’m liking these descriptions much better. 😉
But I didn’t think much of it since we only saw each other in team meetings.
About six months after that we started working together in “the dungeon”—what we jokingly named the windowless basement in the church where we taught the 3rd-5th graders. Tarah, myself, and our friend started dreaming up a grand future. It was the first time we started dreaming together. Me with a dry erase marker at my trusted white board and Tarah taking notes.
And that was the moment I first fell in love . . .
with Tarah’s note-taking ability!
After all my vivacious scribbling, I could look at her notes, and understand all of it. I know it sounds super lame (what a nerd!), but I felt like she got me.
Oh I remember that. You said you wanted me to be your “life assistant.” What does that mean . . . ?
Later that evening, after getting home from our 3 hour dreaming session, I called to ask a quick question. Hanging up the phone I was shocked to notice that an hour had gone by. Wow, this girl is amazing!
That’s when I knew there was something special about her. And it all started with a blank whiteboard. Who would have thought a whiteboard could create such sparks?
This only convinces me further, of the beautiful and essential nature of whiteboards.
Ok Babe, that’s enough about whiteboards. Thus began our working partnership. Little did we know what was to come.
MEET HER
Best Friends.
Since our church was growing so rapidly, we had 2 gatherings on Saturday nights and 3 on Sunday, which meant that we began spending a lot of time together. Who knew that we would spend every weekend together for the next 4 years.
So, remember that cocky, obnoxious, attention-seeking guy I met in the beginning? Well, I began to see who he really was behind that exterior and learned that I loved spending time with him.
There was something special about who he was, and we’d often hang out just the two of us after Church on weekends.
And somewhere in there we’d fit in what we’d call “Walk n Talks” (which is exactly how it sounds). They quickly became our favorite activity.
And to my surprise and joy, the quiet, smiling blonde had become my best friend. Who did I want to hang out with on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights? Tarah! Not only was I having a blast—laughing constantly—but there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to spend my free hours with.
I definitely developed a crush on Gordon first. I was never one to date much. It just seemed there was no man who loved Jesus the way I did, not to mention I had built up major walls around my heart over the years.
So allowing Gordon in to see the deeper part of me was a pretty huge step. But I let him in and by doing that I allowed all the feelings in too.
From our many conversations we had had about dating – what qualities, both physical and character we were looking for in a partner – I knew I fit the bill, well almost. I was 5 years too young and about 4 inches too tall.
PLUS Gordon had told me on a few occasions that he only saw me as a friend and nothing more. Which mean’t that we often talked about girls he was interested in and what he would or wouldn’t do about it.
But the closer our friendship grew the more we begun to push some emotional boundaries. However, I was still getting the “we’re only friends” message from him. It felt like his actions didn’t match up to his words and I was just so confused . . .
Confused Feelings.
As was I.
But let me back up a bit.
In college, I had a rough breakup with the girl I planned to marry. The worst part? She got together with one of my best friends. Yea, it was bad. My heart was torn to shreds.
Not long after, I heard a sermon about surrendering your future spouse to God. I was inspired. So I prayed:
Father, I give my romance to You.
You choose for me.
I will wait until You point out my future wife.
Then, and only then, will I pursue.
I thought it wouldn’t take long. Maybe a year or two at most. But every January God’s directions were the same: stay single another year.
So here I was, working at the church—all the while, attempting to jumpstart my music career—waiting for God to reveal my future wife.
Shortly after getting to know Tarah (4 years into my singleness journey) God cautioned me to be careful with her. She was special, and I knew it.So I announced that I was only interested in a friendship. That might seem harsh to some, but for me, it was a breakthrough! For I had a habit of leading girls on. And I had so much respect for Tarah, I felt she deserved to know.
I was such an inferno of conflicting emotions. I knew she wasn’t the one for me. I knew God was asking me to remain single. I knew I wasn’t attracted to her—not in that way.
And yet,
there was no one else I wanted to spend my free time with.
She was my favorite.
Simple as that.
One Friday afternoon, during our many “walk-and-talks” we started a conversation about the kind of home we each wanted to raise a family in. Near the end of our walk, Tarah stopped me.
“I think you should save those conversations for your future wife. Those are not things we should talk about together.”
Well, that made matters worse.
I’m already struggling with mixed emotions. And now she does this . . . making me respect and admire her even more!
This pattern continued for years.
I can’t tell you how many people asked me if I was interested in Tarah. “Oh no,” I would argue. “We’re just good friends. I don’t like her like that.”
With the response always being, “Are you sure?”
The Turning Point.
A World Apart.
It got to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was just so tired of the conflicting messages. So I booked a 6 month-long trip to the other side of the world as far as I could get—Australia, anyone? Haha, ok he is not the entire reason I left but he was a big part.
I was also struggling with my purpose after I got a rejection letter from the teaching program at school. I was left feeling lost, with no idea of what I would do with my life.
That was until I started reading Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love.”
God used this book to stir in my heart a passion for overseas missions. Finally I had a clear direction again.
Between my newfound purpose and my confused feelings for Gordon, I joined an organization called Youth With A Mission (YWAM) and flew to Wollongong, Australia.
When Tarah told me that she was going to do a missions trip for 6 months I was genuinely excited for her, and a little relieved.
Remember all those conflicting emotions and convictions in me? Well, this gave me another opportunity to escape them! Maybe the problems would just work themselves out.
At the same time, God was challenging me to take some scary steps. I knew that God was asking me to go into music full-time. But I was terrified.
So we came to a crossroads; a time for us to part ways. Her to Australia. Me into the wilds of full-time musicianship.
Exciting.
Scary.
Relieving.
Concerning.
What was the future to behold?
* * *
About 2 weeks into my Australia trip I found myself not being able to go what felt like a minute without thinking about Gordon. It was driving me nuts!
And in the middle of worship one day God gave me some very clear insight into my heart. He told me that I had put Gordon on a pedestal, a place that only God —my first love— was supposed to be. At that moment God gave me this image:
I was standing in front of a whiteboard.
Yay whiteboards!
The whiteboard had an image of Gordon’s face on it. Jesus was standing next to me, he took my hand and we walked up towards the board. With my hand in his, we grabbed the eraser and together erased Gordon’s face. It was then that I knew I had to write Gordon a letter explaining my feelings, my confusions and hurt, ask for forgiveness from him, and finally, let him go.
So I wrote it! I typed it up and spilled my guts out. I explained that when I got home we couldn’t go back to the way things were. We had crossed too many lines and just being friends wasn’t really an option for how deeply I felt for him.
I hit send. And let me tell you, I have never felt such a burden lift off of my shoulders! I was now able to become the woman I was created to be.
Meanwhile . . . God was putting me through quite a different experience.
That letter struck me to the core. As I read the words I felt ashamed. Here were all the things I knew I was supposed to say to her but didn’t have the courage to.
So I wrote her back, confirming everything she said while apologizing for the harm I knew I caused. I asked forgiveness and agreed that we needed to refrain from speaking while she was gone.
Then I wept.
Everything I had bottled up, burst through my skin.
For 6 months straight I prayed for Tarah, myself, and for what God wanted me to do. It’s the same old tale, but I truly didn’t realize the treasure I had until she was gone.
I miss my best friend, was the thought that permeated my waking hours.
Have you ever had God slap you across the face? Not in a bad way. But in an ouch-that-hurt-but-I-really-needed-it way? Well, that’s what happened.
During one of my times of prayer, God brought the sting.
“Gordon, you are emotionally promiscuous. And it needs to stop.”
Clarity ran me over. I knew it was true. I had been promiscuous emotionally with girls for a long time. In fact, I couldn’t remember a time when I wasn’t getting my emotional fix from some girl. It was my way of feeling like a man. I was never very good with the typical “guy stuff”, but I sure knew how to connect with girls. It was my superpower, my way of beating all the other guys.
It was time to wake up and repent.
I no longer thought Tarah wasn’t right for me.
I felt I wasn’t right for her.
So I prayed earnestly. And for 6 months straight I received the same answer.
The Reunion.
Fast forward. I just got back from the most intense journey of my life. And I was feeling scared. I was nervous about running into Gordon at church; I didn’t want to let him back into my life and possibly backtrack the progress I had made these past moths.
My solution? Avoid him at all costs.
That was the plan anyways, until the day I volunteered at the Information Center in the lobby. In between services a friend and I went to grab something and as we’re walking back I saw him. . .
Standing right at the Information Booth!
Oh.My.Gosh! The butterflies came in a swarm, but I obviously played it cool because my friend had no clue of the Gordon dilemma.
When Tarah returned, church was . . . awkward. No one knew what was going on between us, either. I had to find a way to ignore her without anyone being suspicious!
Fortunately, our church was quite large, so I was able to strategically keep a distance. Or so I thought. . .
At the end of the service, I headed out to the lobby.
I swear I was only there a few minutes.
Before I know it
I turn around, and
BAM!
Standing before me, with the biggest smile on her face, is Tarah!
My heart jumped to sprinting speed, the temperature in the room rose dramatically, and my brain hurt. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
For there, standing in front of me, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
What . . . happened? How did she get sooooo good looking?
Then to make matters worse,
SHE GIVES ME A HUG.
What else was I supposed to do!
Literally
almost died.
To this day I don’t know what I said. I just know it felt like my heart was overexerting itself to a dangerous level. As soon as I could, I escaped to my car, where I literally screamed in frustration,
“Why does she have to be so beautiful!?”
* * *
I was going to write a letter. Until a mentor of mine told me that she deserved a face to face meeting. Well, that won’t be easy!
In my mind, we needed to have a conversation to talk through everything that had just happened. Plus, I knew there was something that God wanted me to say.
So I sent Tarah a message, asking to meet for coffee. Her response: “No thank you.” What!?
It took some time for her to agree. But eventually, she did, reluctantly.
We met at her favorite coffee shop (to our amazement, we were the only two there!) and spent the first ten minutes in awkward small talk.
Then I let it fly.
“Tarah, I’ve come to realize that you are not the type of girl that I would date. You are the type of girl that I would marry.”
MARRY!?
“For the past 6 months, I have prayed every day for you. And God has given me three words I need to say. . .”
And then proceeded to talk about something else entirely. . . WHAT THREE WORDS?!
Well, I was really nervous! Haha.
Eventually, I told her what God told me:
“Let her go.”
That meant no texting, Facebook, phone calls, and so forth. It needed to be a clean break from each other.
But I also said,
“God did not tell me for how long. It could be 3 years or 30, or a few months. I don’t know. It could mean the rest of our lives. But I promise you this: if God ever tells me to pursue you then I will pursue you with everything that I got.”
Even though Tarah had done it 6 months earlier, I still hadn’t taken the initiative. I hadn’t obeyed God. I was simply living in the consequence of her obedience. This was something I desperately needed to do.
After saying our goodbyes I got in my car and felt something new. For the first time since giving my singleness to God, I felt the weight of God’s command to remain single lifting. I could hear the Spirit whisper,
“Now, you are ready.”
MEET HIM
Forever Love.
The Separation.
After that day in the coffee shop, we both got on with our lives. Neither of us was working at the church anymore but we’d bump into each other on occasion and give a friendly smile or wave. Surrender was a lot harder in this season, but I was still trying to let him go.
Months went by.
A friend from YWAM called me and said she was going to be in Seattle for a day and asked if I’d like to come have lunch. While we were chatting she asked me about Gordon and I told her, “After months of wrestling with God, I have finally surrendered him completely.”
At the end of lunch, I got in my car, looked at my phone, and noticed I had a voicemail—from none other than Gordon Avery.
I dove headfirst into the waters of being a full-time musician, which brought me to the strangest of places. Who would have thought my first paying gig would be at Applebees? Where I learned the subtle art of being ignored for 3 hours; also known as background music. Ha!
But I was following God into the unknown, not only with music but with my romance. Who knew what He had in store? At any moment my life could change. And as I drove home one day, it did.
I wound my way through the Columbia River Gorge and decided to make a pitstop on the side of the highway. Before me was a little path leading to a view of the grand Columbia River. Perched upon a boulder overlooking the waters, as the sun was contemplating its goodbyes, I heard His voice.
“It’s time. Go get the girl.”
I knew exactly who He was speaking of. But there was one problem, I was terrified. I had no idea what she would say. I was also no longer sure I was the best fit for her. She deserved the best.
But I started to plan. I wanted to honor her so I asked for her dad’s blessing as well her best friend, who responded: “I’m not sure if she’ll say yes.”
Well, there’s a confidence booster!
* * *
It was an October day when I made the call. . . and got her voicemail. How do I break the 6-month silence with a voicemail message?
“Oh hey, Tarah. So you know how I like to get wise advice? Well, I was wondering if you’d be ok meeting up with me. I have some big life decisions to make and I’d really like your . . . input.”
Input . . . ? Riiiight.
I remember thinking, what’s the least romantic word out there? Oh yes, “input.” Perfect!
I was sooo nervous. I prayed the whole 2.5-hour car ride home about what he could possibly mean. What life decisions would he need my input on?
I got a call from her the next day and we agreed on a date for getting together later that week. The anticipation nearly killed me. I couldn’t concentrate. I shook with nervousness.
We met up at the waterfront (our usual spot) and after some nervous chit chat, we pick a spot on the beach to sit down and he begins to talk.
“I feel like God had us on different paths. And now our paths are coming back together. I have no idea what the future looks like. I have no idea where God is leading.
“But I know one thing: there is no one I would rather go on this journey with than you.
“Will you join me in this adventure?”
It felt so unreal! I’d imagined it so many times before, it was like a dream. So the first thing that came out of my mouth was,
“Is this actually happening!?”
What does that mean? Is that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no?’ I had to clarify.
“So. . . is that a yes?”
“Of course! God is so faithful.”
Then she shared something I will never forget. She explained how God had pointed me out 4 years before, as the man should would eventually marry. I was blown away.
There were so many moments when I doubted it. So many times I wondered if it would ever come to be. So when the moment came—the moment I had dreamed about so often—I had nothing to say but, “God is so faithful.”
The End.
So here we are! We believe that healthy & thriving relationships are a taste of what’s to come; when Jesus finally reunites heaven and earth.
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