My 5 Favorite Questions From Our Readers: ALL About Dating & Marriage
Tarah Avery
Do you all remember watching the royal wedding? I didn’t, but I heard allll about it and the pictures on Facebook were just beautiful. What is it about these royal weddings that we all get so hyped up about?
Is it the idea of seeing two become one and start their happily-ever-after? I will say there is something beautiful about seeing a true love story unfold. I can agree with that. But have you ever noticed that these “happily-ever-afters” that we imagine in our minds and see in the movies always end on the wedding day?
In reality, their happily ever after is just starting! And I can guarantee that there will be some “angry-ever-afters” & some “lonely-ever-afters” & even maybe some ever-afters that are a real power struggle.
In thinking about the royal wedding, I wanted to talk about marriage & dating in real life. We’ve been asked some great questions from our readers and I get the opportunity to answer some of them!
Here we go!
1. How do I get on the same page with my spouse when it comes to decision making (i.e. parenting, finances, etc.)?
This is a great question! Many married people struggle in this area simply because they don’t take the time to dream together before they’re married and get on the same page at that time. BUT the great news is that you can start dreaming at any time! Even now!
What do I mean by dreaming, and what does that have to do with decision making?
Before Gordon and I were married, we thought about our life and the life we wanted to create together; then we wrote out what we wanted it to look like. We envisioned the type of marriage we wanted, and how we wanted to raise our kids one day. We still do this, because we change a little as we grow, which is why we evaluate our dreams every year.
We create long term vision in 4 areas: health, wealth, relationships, & career. There are some subcategories under there, such as “marriage & children,” “saving and spending,” “mental and physical health,” etc. And because we have decided what we want our life to look like ahead of time, we know where we are going; and as opportunities open themselves to us, we know what to say “yes” to and what to say “no” to, no matter how great an opportunity it is.
I would encourage you and your husband to start talking about where you want to be financially years down the road (do you want to be debt-free? Do you want to have an emergency fund in place? Do you want to buy a house?) The choices you’re given now will be influenced by your overall financial dream. The choices we make are now easier and there is less tension because we know where we are going.
I believe God honors intentional living, and that is for all areas of your life. Choose to be intentional with where your money goes or how you raise your kids and he will bless that.
2. How do I build my husband up in a way that sticks with him?
To me, this question has to do with understanding your husband and his uniqueness as a man.
We all have ways that we receive love and encouragement the best- a way that sticks with us. And it is our job as wives to learn how to love our husbands the best way possible.
A great way to learn how you can build up your husband in a way that will stick with him is to take the “Love Languages” quiz (I also recommend the book, “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn). Both you and your husband should take this because it will bring so much more clarity on how you each need to be loved.
We are all unique and the way that we like to be shown love will most likely be different from our spouse. If you want to go the extra mile, read the book that goes with it: “The 5 Love Languages,” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
3. How do I find someone that is like me?
I was also asked a similar question, how do I find a God-loving man? So I am going to present an answer to both.
You become who you surround yourself with.
A great question to ask yourself is this, are you hanging around with people that you want to be like?
I have found from personal experience and the experience of others close to me, that friendship is always the best base for any lasting marriage. If you want to find someone like you, look at who you are hanging out with, and be open to whoever God might bring your way. If you are looking for a quality man, you must first ask yourself if you are a quality woman because we attract those like us.
Maybe there is more that God wants to grow in you before he shows you your future husband.
4. How can my husband and I stay intimately connected?
I love this one! There is nothing more important than staying connected with your spouse. Drifting is SO easy. So we must be intentional to make time for our husbands.
Make sure you are connecting weekly through a date night, or maybe in your case you do breakfast or lunch together- who says it has to be date night? Do what works for the two of you, but make sure you are making each other a priority. You might need to say “no” to some really great things to say “yes” to your spouse, which is an even greater option anyway.
Another thing that we love to do is get away alone on a “Super” Date 4 times a year. We call it a “super” date because it’s at least 1-2 nights away from your kids, work, and house. For more on Super-Dates, click here.
5. How do I let go of my expectations in marriage and just learn to go with the flow and accept things as they are instead of how I expected they would be?
The great thing is you’re not alone in this. We ALL have expectations about things without even realizing we have them! But most of the time expectations are the result of miscommunication (or lack thereof) and can be minimized by doing a few things:
1) Discuss how you visualize your “perfect day.” Not one day that is perfect, but what you would do if you could create your own daily schedule. See how similar your days are, and if they look completely different, try to create a dream day that both of you can be on board with.
For example, Gordon and I talked about what our dream home looked like. (NOTE: We hope to build our home one day so it’s not just a dream but an actual goal of ours). Make sure your dream day is realistic in where you are headed.
We also talked about where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted (even their names, if you haven’t talked about that).
Then we really dug into what a day in the life of the Avery family looked like – including morning, afternoon & evening routines.
2) Once you’ve done this, move on to long term visions for your career, wealth, health & family. Do this together! You are a unit in marriage and you must be heading in the same direction relationally, financially, and in your health.
Careers are a little more flexible since most couples don’t work together; but if your dream is to travel for your career or get promoted to another state, your spouse must be included in that dream.
We won’t ever be able to completely remove expectations. They’ll pop up when least expected. But the more you can be on the same page in life the better, but it takes intentionality and A LOT of communication.
We will always have expectations if we allow life to just sweep us wherever, but if we choose to be intentional we will know where we are going even when life throws in roadblocks here and there.
I don’t have all the answers (and neither does Gordon), but if we could choose one piece of advice to give married couples, it would be to be intentional in your marriage. Read relationship books or listen to podcasts together. When put into action, these things ensure that your relationship won’t get stale and lifeless.
Our advice for singles would be the same: read relationship books. Who cares if you’re single? Gordon and I always thought that single people should be the ones going to marriage conferences. Start that habit of learning while you’re single and bring that into dating and eventually marriage.
There are loads of resources out there on marriage and relationships. Research the authors before you pick them – you want to make sure they have a good track record – but take advantage of the great wealth of knowledge and wisdom out there. Check out some of our favorite relationship books here.
Your Friend,
