How to Handle Difficult Friends

Tarah Avery

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Have you ever had one of those friends who is just really, really difficult? You know, the ones who ask for all of you but never give anything of themselves in return? Or maybe this friend subjects you to shame & guilt?

And do you ever wonder how in the world you should handle this type of friendship? Yeah, me too.

It’s tough! If you’re like me, you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings and you want to love them because that is what we are called to do as Jesus people. But sometimes it just sucks.

Author Jen Hatmaker has a brilliant perspective on handling difficult relationships. She says,

We have no obligation to endure or enable certain toxic relationships. The Christian ethic muddies these waters because we attach the concept of ‘long-suffering’ to these damaging connections. We prioritize proximity over health, neglecting good boundaries and adopting a Savior role for which we are ill equipped.

So what do we do? I am by no means a professional at relationships, but I have found a few things that God points out in his Word.

1. Bring it to Jesus

First, I would bring the issue to Jesus and not to all of your other friends. I am not one for gossip and that can easily bloom when you begin venting (Proverbs 29:11) to your friends or family who are also directly involved with that person. 

If I need to vent I usually talk to my hubby because he is always a safe place and he hates gossip and won’t allow it in our home.

 If you need counsel, you could also go to someone not directly involved with your friend, or – even better – to someone who doesn’t even know the person. But all in all, the first thing to do is bring it to Jesus and ask him to guide you (Proverbs 3:5-6). 

2. Confront Them

Second, OY, confront your friend (Matthew 18:15). Lovingly do this. Never approach your friend in anger, resentment, or bitterness- those things should be laid down at the feet of Jesus before taking this step (Ephesians 4:32). And please, please, PLEASE! don’t do this over text message (I am SO talking to myself here because I hate conflict, eek!).  I know that is the easiest and most non-confrontational, but with our friends taking the easy way out is not the most loving. They deserve better than that.

3. Let Them Go

And thirdly, if the 2nd step did nothing to change their behavior, then Jesus says to, “shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:14). Yes, this one is can be hard because if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to keep trying to make the friendship work. 

But what Jesus is saying here is that once you have done what you can, if they continue to mistreat you, then it’s ok to release that friendship.

Let me say that again. It’s OKAY.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for a friend who is an “emotional leach,” or a bully or plays the victim all the time, is to let them go. It’s loving because by allowing that person to treat you badly while they continue to make your friendship about themselves is debilitating and not helpful for their life, and not to mention yours.

You are not responsible for the spiritual health of everyone around you, nor must you weather the recalcitrant behavior of others. It is neither kind nor gracious to enable. We do no favors for an unhealthy friend by silently enduring forever. Watching someone create chaos without accountability is not noble…you have a limited amount of time and energy and must steward it well. –Jen Hatmaker

Jesus had little time for egotistical people (Matthew 11:15). Especially those who say with their mouth that they love him, but their actions speak differently.

Friend, I want you to know that people like this aren’t the way they are with just you. They are difficult for everyone. A difficult person thrives on conflict and attention. They aren’t comfortable in their own skin. They live life without intention and purpose. They may wonder why they see the people around them thriving and ask themselves, “Why not me? I deserve that happiness too.”

And as hard as these friends can be to love, what we have to remember is that difficult people are difficult for a reason. It’s good to extend grace; we should often. But it’s also ok to let go.

We live in a world where those of us who do set good boundaries with others are criticized and seen as the ones with shaky loyalty. We may be accused of quitting or opting out because we don’t care. But what the critics don’t realize is that unhealthy relationships can ruin a person. They can destroy our hope, optimism, and kindness. We can lose our heart and lose our way while we’ve been pouring endless amounts of energy into a relationship that is giving nothing back.

Don’t allow yourself to be burnt out because you’re loyal to being loyal. 

That’s my story. Loyalty is one of my personal core values, so it was hard when God had to point out a toxic relationship in my life and asked me to “let go.” It hasn’t been easy and I find myself often wandering back into that relationship (old habits die hard), but the freedom it has brought has been life-changing. I had to learn the hard way that I am not God. My job isn’t to save people. Only Jesus can do that, and he did when he died on the cross for us all those years ago.

If you’re struggling with some toxic friends right now, I want you to pray this prayer with me and then give me an “amen” in the comments below:

Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice to us. Thank you for showing us how to have healthy relationships and for challenging us to go against the grain of what is “normal” these days. Give us courage, strength, and wisdom when we are battling toxic relationships. Keep our hearts from becoming bitter, resentful, and angry in the process. Remind us of how you’ve forgiven us through your mercy, grace, and abundant love. Help us to forgive, too. In your name, amen.

Your Friend,