How to Forgive When You Don’t Want to
Tarah Avery
Have you ever gotten a cut or gash of some sort on your body? Do you know what happens to it when it is left untreated? Well, usually it will scab over and everything will seem okay on the outside.
Until the infection happens. Oops.
That wound left untreated is now infected, it is inside of your body, and the cleaning out of the infection is worse than the original wound. In order to clean a wound properly, we must clean it out before the scab comes, and before the scars are left. And I don’t know about you, but from my experience, cleaning out an open wound is… painful!
Forgiveness is much the same. It’s a heart wound and it must be cleaned just the same as a cut would.
A friend of mine (let’s call him Jeff for the sake of the story) went through a pretty bad breaking of trust; you could call it a betrayal. He was dating the love of his life, the woman he thought he would marry when this happened (let’s call her Jenny). Well, Jenny has a best friend who is a guy (we’ll call him Nick), who actually happened to also be BFF’s with Jeff.
Have you ever heard the saying, “you can’t be friends with a guy?” WELL, Jeff had asked Nick many times if he was interested in Jenny and he told him “not at all, ever.” You probably know where this story is going already.
Eventually, Jeff went off to college, leaving Jenny and Nick behind in total trust. Long story short they end up having a fling, Jenny breaks it off with Jeff and runs away with Nick. The end. WOW. Complete betrayal.
Jeff happens to be my husband – Gordon. He was heartbroken. That was the introduction to one of the worst years of his life but at the same time one of the best. In the midst of complete brokenness, betrayal, and anger he got to experience so much blessing through it all. And I think the reason for that blessing is this – he chose forgiveness. He chose to forgive Nick & Jenny even when he didn’t want to, simply because he knew it was right.
There are lots of verses in the Bible about forgiveness, if you are a follower of Christ you know that we are called to forgive people. But sometimes we just don’t want to, they’ve hurt us TOO badly and they don’t deserve it.
Gordon could have gone that route of feeling like a victim (because he was!) and choosing to hold on to the bitter anger and hurt that he felt. But instead, he took the route that Jesus calls us to, forgiveness.
So how do you forgive someone when it just seems too hard? Well, my friend, here is what I learned from my husband:
Pray for them.
Augh. I know, I know. This is the last thing I’d want to do too! And when I say pray for them, I don’t mean pray for them to fail and be reminded of what a terrible person they are. No. Pray for prosperity over them. That they will be successful and find joy and happiness in their life. Gordon says that he prayed every day even through the pain, that Nick & Jenny would find happiness together.
Sure, your prayers won’t be completely authentic at first; BUT they will become authentic if you just start. No matter how you’re feeling, remember to pray for those that have hurt you – that is the first step toward forgiveness.
Allow yourself to process and heal.
If you’re anything like me, you would shy away from this one. I am a stuffer, keeping all my feelings inside and choosing not to deal with them. This step is the complete opposite of that.
Gordon allowed himself to feel allllll the feelings. He allowed God to dig into his wound and get out all the bad stuff.
He would read old letters that Jenny wrote to him. He would talk and cry A LOT, on purpose. He reflected on their time spent together, truly allowed himself to feel the hurt, and just let the tears come. He dove headfirst into the ocean of misery – not for self-pity’s sake (though I’m sure there was some of that) but for the sake of dealing with it and not just brushing it all under the rug.
He did a form of “self-counseling,” which is great, but if it’s too hard to open up or maybe you just have a hard time processing (like me), I would suggest actual counseling. Find a pastor in your church who does this, or maybe you have a mentor who can help walk you through what you need to forgive. There is no shame in counseling, I think we could all use it every now and again.
But please, dear friend, allow yourself the time to heal properly. This will lead you to full forgiveness and not allow an old wound to fester and then open randomly years down the road.
Beloved, I am not saying the road is easy. But God will provide the people and the way to help you through it, just take that first step.
The question is: Will you let him heal your wounds?
I’d love to hear in the comments below!
All my Love,
