How to Handle Parents Who Won’t Let Go
Tarah Avery
Do you ever feel like your parents are still trying to control your life even though you’ve been an adult for years now?
I heard a great quote once from my “mentor” Stasi Eldredge, who says the hardest part of parenting is raising your kids to leave you. And not just leave you, but to be assured with complete confidence they will do well on their own because you raised them to be able to survive out in the world without needing to be parented (constant involvement).
Our parents will always be our parents, and we will always be their kids, but the parenting must stop once adulthood begins – the egret has spread its wings and left the nest.
But many young people that I know have faced the continuous problem of parents holding on for too long, not ready to lose control of the kids they love so much.
So what do we do in these situations? What are some logical (because we know we’re all a mess of emotions) steps that we can take to help our parents let go and trust their kids to live their own lives?
Actually allow the strings to be cut.
“I don’t want to adult today.” Haha! I love this quote because it feels so accurate so much of the time. Sometimes it would be SO much easier to go back to the days when I didn’t have the worries, stresses & responsibilities of being an adult.
That’s why the first thing that must be done in order for your parents to let go of you is to actually let them let go.
Are your parents still paying your bills? Are you still living in their house? If so, you have not yet proven yourself as an adult. Adults live on their own and provide for their own needs. It’s called growing up. But so many of us in this younger generation wants the privileges and the freedom of adulthood without actually taking on the responsibilities of being a grown-up.
What strings are still attaching you to your parents? Most parents are going to want to hold on to their baby for as long as possible, so the most mature thing we can do as adults is to cut the strings for them.
Start setting boundaries ASAP.
Setting boundaries might seem harsh, but you’d be amazing at how much happier you AND your parents are once boundaries are set. Boundaries create clear guidelines and we all have to know where the line is. It’s usually unhealthy people that see boundaries as unhealthy. Even Scripture talks about setting boundaries.
“That is why a man leaveshis father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” -Genesis 2:24
This is especially important in marriage. Now you and your spouse are one unit, this is the beginning of creating your own family.
We all want close, connected relationships with our parents – specifically with our mothers. But when our moms (because it’s usually moms) hold on with choking tightness, it actually makes us daughters pull away and not want to involve them in our lives.
Criticism is one of the most harmful “red flags” we need to look for in parents who are holding on too tight. Guilt and constant involvement can be thrown in there, too. These are signs of parents who need to be told when enough is enough.
Quick tips on how to set boundaries:
-
Identify what they’re doing that’s causing frustration or what areas there are unhealthy interactions. Ex: A friend was getting extreme guilt text messages from his parents OR your parents are pressuring you about jobs and follow through with sending you job applications.
-
Really think about why this bothers you so much & how does it make you feel. Find clarity in why you’re feeling the way you do. Maybe write down your thoughts.
-
Think about sharing this with your parents via letter or email. Sometimes an in-person confrontation can cause distress leading you to bow out of the situation; plus it removes the “heat of the moment” emotions that will tend to rise up in both parties. This will also help you clarify exactly what you are trying to say and will already be the first boundary step by putting “distance” between you.
Do your parents constantly criticize how the two of you decide to do “family?” Are they constantly nagging you about money, your jobs, kids, or where you live? It’s probably time to set some boundaries. Until they can be a safe place for you (i.e. not trying to control everything but accepting you as an adult and your adult decisions.) they might need to lose the privileges of being constantly “in the know” or having a voice or opinion in the matters of your life.
It may feel extreme at first, but it will make your relationship with them healthier in the long run.
Connect with them on a regular if not semi-regular basis.
Parents need to be invited in, but first, they need to let go. Once boundaries have been set and as you start to feel like they’re being respected, start inviting them into more things.
For example, if your parents are “dream killers” (i.e. they don’t support your dreams/decisions and the direction God is leading you) you probably don’t want to share your dreams with them. However, once you’ve set clear boundaries and they start creating a safe place to be again, you can slowly start inviting them back in by sharing your dreams, as long as they can support you and not harm you.
Our parents are our parents and we love them. In this process it’s important that they are reminded of this regularly – it might start to feel to them like you want to grow up and forget about them or something, which isn’t the case. But it’s only natural to want to be independent and not have our parents trying to be involved in everything.
My husband and I are experiencing this season in our lives right now. We love our families but want to experience lots of independence without them and that doesn’t mean we love them any less, it’s just a natural part of growing up. So we need to intentionally make it a priority to remind our families of our love (especially since we live out of state).
The parent/child relationship is one of the most beautiful relationships and it can be one of the most harmful, too. We all have wounds from our parents and have most likely been a part of shaping us as we’ve grown up. But our parents have also been our teachers, and our mentors; the people we’ve looked up to and wanted to be like (I wanted to be a nurse growing up and was convinced my mom and I would be working together one day. Let’s just say that as a grown woman, I don’t have the stomach for it!).
Giving grace to our parents is a must. They are learning to “give up” a way of life they’ve experienced for 20-30 years – guiding, protecting, providing, and sacrificing for their kids. The final stage in parenting is letting go and that could quite possibly be the hardest stage of all. Don’t expect them to be perfect at all times because that’s unrealistic. It’s a tough one for them.
We are all in different seasons. My hope for you is that you and your parents can grow even closer in this process. Because when a parent can succeed in letting go, it will draw their kids even closer to them. Ironic right? That’s the beauty of relationships. The more we hold each other with open hands, the more intimacy and love we will share. And I think that’s precisely how God designed it to be.
Which stage of the “letting go” are you in?
Let me know in the comments below!
All my love,
