How to Save Sex for Marriage
Tarah Avery
One of the most common questions for young people in the Church today when it comes to sex is “how far is too far?”
In Genesis God directs Adam and Eve, his first human creations, to “Be fruitful and multiply!”
This is where God creates sex! His first commandment to the first people (Adam & Eve) was to make babies! And God says, “It is good.”
It’s not dirty, bad, or only for procreation. God says that sex is good.
We can draw “the line” for when we have sex wherever we want, but God draws that line in the confines of marriage.
It’s not that God just decided to throw out some random “rule” to make it hard for us. He has a greater plan for sexuality, more than you can ever dream or comprehend it to be! And he wants us to experience the pleasure of this great gift inside the boundaries he created, because then and only then is it good.
Short side note: everyone has a past, and those past experiences should be talked about early on in the dating relationship. The consequence of living in a sinful world with sinful people it that the beautiful gifts God has given us (like sex), and that were meant for good, we abuse. And some of us get hurt and abused and carry scars and wounds with us. And when we don’t find healing, then sex even inside marriage might not be that great.
Regardless of your past, God is the restorer. He gave you back your dignity, your innocence, and your body when he shed blood on the cross. And he has been waiting for you to accept it.
The question is: will you let him heal your sexual wounds?
Without finding healing, you will be robbing yourself and your husband of experiencing one of the greatest gifts God gave us. Sex was meant to be good. Sex was created to be something beautiful between husband and wife, and mutually pleasing.
And if we want the greatest sexual experience, we follow the boundaries that God placed on sex. I mean he knows how it works best – he created it.
So you might say, “Tarah, people always tell me not to have sex before marriage and that’s easy to say but not very practical in the heat of the moment.”
Here are some easy steps to take to ensure that we will get to experience all that God created sex to be, and how can we make it easier on ourselves to wait until marriage:
1. Talk about your physical boundaries early on in your dating relationship.
Gordon is a passionate man, and it turns out I am more passionate than I ever thought I was! Physical touch is also Gordon’s number one love language – Can you see why this fact alone could make restraining ourselves all the harder? LOL. So because of these things we knew that if we didn’t set some guidelines on physical intimacy, we’d be in trouble.
Shortly after Gordon and I started dating we were sitting in an Italian restaurant and the topic of physical boundaries came up. So we dove right in! We asked ourselves and discussed what our values were, what we thought was OK and not OK, but the biggest and most surprising question we asked ourselves was, “what do we want to save to build anticipation for marriage?” If we give it all away beforehand, what is there to be surprised and excited about in marriage, right?
We dated for 2 years and had a 10-month engagement . . . OH, the anticipation! We had quite the list of physical boundaries that we followed simply because we wanted to save as much as we could for marriage.
2. Set “time” boundaries to make the physical boundaries easier.
Along with physical boundaries, we talked about “time” boundaries because, let’s be honest – how much more of a temptation is it to put your hands all over each other if you’re alone together late at night? We decided that we wouldn’t be alone after a certain time of the night; we had to be with other people or go our separate ways for the evening.
John Mark Comer (author of Love-ology) goes so far as to say “don’t ever be alone together in a house or apartment.” This advice could be a life-saver for you if you find the temptation too hard to resist.
3. Share these boundaries with a close friend or family member.
This is the step that’s easy to ignore but it’s crucially important. In order to actually abide by these boundaries you’ve set, you must share them with someone you trust to hold you accountable. Otherwise, you are relying on each other to adhere to your set boundaries and that’s probably not too safe in the heat of the moment.
With an “accountability” partner, you both know that you’ll be checking in with someone later about how things are going, and that might be the thing you need to keep your hands to yourself. We found it incredibly helpful and felt it made the process much easier.
OK, you might be asking did we follow our set boundaries all the time? C’mon, we are human, so no we didn’t. But we followed them pretty closely and you know what? For a newlywed couple, we have an incredible sex life. Sure it’s still new and fresh, but I attribute this rockin’ part of our marriage to all the other hard work we put into our relationship – playing together doing things we love (just having fun), reading and learning from mentors who have years of experience and who can show us the way, and making sure we’re continuously building our relationship with God because out of that flows life (not bitterness, anger, resentment or unforgiveness). And we can love each other better for it. It can only get better from here!
I love the quote by Charles Stanley, “Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object (I’d add person in there too) we’re waiting for.”
Waiting until marriage to have sex has made those moments of oneness all the sweeter. And it’s so funny to look back on those physical boundaries we created because today, even something as simple as a kiss is not taken for granted.
“Good things come to those who wait.” –Lamentations 3:25
What is one of the hardest aspects of sexual intimacy for you? Maybe you’ve got wounds to heal from? Maybe you have problems setting boundaries?
Your Friend,
