How to Support Your Porn Addicted Husband
Tarah Avery
Porneia.
Porneia is the root word we get for our common word Pornography. It’s the Greek word for “sexual immorality” that the writer Paul talks about in the Bible when he refers to 1 Corinthians 6:13.
Sexual immorality is in reference to any and all forms of sexuality outside of marriage between a man and a woman – from sleeping with your boyfriend or girlfriend, friends with benefits, casual sex, oral sex, adultery, prostitution, porn, raunchy movies & television series (we have lots of those; basically anything rated TV-MA = Soft Core Porn in our book because there is always way too graphic sexual content), strip clubs, etc. Anything outside of marriage between a man and a woman is what Paul calls Porneia.
All of those are under the umbrella of “sexual immorality” but today, let’s talk about pornography.
My husband grew up with a pornography addiction that started at a very young age (and back in that day access to pornography is nothing compared to today’s world).
I experienced the results of a husband addicted to pornography years ago. I knew it was a problem in the past when I started dating him and I knew if not guarded it could continue to be a temptation all throughout the rest of our relationship and on into marriage.
And the sad thing about this experience is that everything was awesome in our relationship, there was nothing that I could point to openly for why he would have dipped his toe back into the ugly world of sexual immorality.
I took a trip to Yellowstone with my family for a week. On the second evening there I got the call. You know, the one that would rock my world and cause our trust to be on shaky ground. He had looked at pornography for the first time in over 2 years.
It broke my heart. It made me feel lesser than. My self-esteem dropped out of comparison for this unknown woman in pictures he looked at. I didn’t know what to do. I was in unknown territory and I wasn’t sure how to move forward through this thing that made me so mad, and so hurt, and so unsure of our relationship.
I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, silently to myself in the car rides full of family members sitting next to me. I played the Josh Garrels station non-stop during that trip; somehow God spoke to me through his songs and I can’t tell you that they even had anything to do with the situation, but they helped. (Thank you Josh for sharing your talent with me during that trip!)
Pornography is a nasty addiction.
I definitely wanted to be mad forever at this man I had come to love because of the hurt and insecurity this caused me. But you want to know the message that God kept speaking to me over and over about Gordon?
“Look at him through my eyes; as a new creation!”
Ack. “But God! I don’t want to see him that way! He can’t get by that easily!”
“My Beloved Daughter, look at him through my eyes. He is a new creation. The old is gone, the new is come! He is not his failure. I don’t define him as such and neither do you.”
“But… God. Why? Why did this have to happen to me? I hate feeling like this!”
When I said “I do” to my husband years ago, I was saying “I do” to the good, the bad, and the ugly. When he fails badly I remember the promise I made to him and we work through it together.
But you might be asking, how do we work through it? How do I support my porn-addicted husband?
There are a few things that might make this journey a little easier:
The first thing we need to do is understand why pornography is a problem.
Is pornography ok? Of course not! It’s damaging to not only the men (and women) who participate but it has long term effects for the emotional well-being of their spouses and marriages also.
But porn is easily accessible, and it’s not going anywhere. So as wives, we must be on high alert to learn why this is such a big issue to men of every age, race, culture, and of every belief. So let’s start at the basics.
How did God create a man’s body to work? What does it mean that a man is “visual?”
When a man sees a physically attractive image….his body feels pleasure. Men get turned on mostly by what he sees. Why do our husbands like it when we wear lingerie so much? I mean come on, it’s not like we’re wearing it for that long! It’s because God wired a man’s body to respond to what he sees.
It was the moment Adam saw Eve that he said, “At last!” Is it any wonder that God put so much effort into making women so beautiful? Eve was the peak of Creation; the most beautiful part of God’s creative act. A man’s body directly responds to what he sees. Now to an extent, so do women. But not to the same level of intensity.
If I wear a sexy dress…turned on.
If I bend over to take out the dishes…my husband is turned on!
Ladies, it really doesn’t take that much.
This is why so many movies and TV shows show topless women, sex scenes, and women barely dressed. They’re not stupid. They know what this does to men; and they know it will make a man want to watch it.
What is the core longing in the heart of a man – what does a man deeply long for?
Now let’s talk about what sex means to a man. A man’s core question is this “Do I have what it takes?” or “Am I able?” And their deep fear is failure. If they can win and beat that fear of failure they will discover that they have what it takes and that is their heart’s deepest question. When a man feels he is failing in any way – his career, his marriage – he will turn to those things in which he feels wanted, desired, and validated.
When he is able to do something externally, he feels like he’s worthy of love on the inside.
This is what the pornography industry has done: 1) they know that men are wired visually. All they need is the right image and a man is instantly turned on. 2) Then they have a woman saying things like, “I want you so bad”, “ I need you”, and “no one pleases me like you.” They are tapping right into a man’s deepest desire: to be desired. 3) It’s all a lie of course; leaving men worse off than they were before. But for that moment, he can escape this world that bashes men daily, and feel like the hero he longs to be. No one else may want him, but apparently these women do.
Is it any wonder the Enemy has attacked men with pornography? A man isn’t even there. All that’s before him is an image on a screen. And yet, a man’s mind doesn’t know any different. His body reacts as if he was right there.
Combine the answers to both of these questions and our sexualized culture and you might begin to understand why pornography is a billion-dollar industry.
The second way we can support our husbands is by being his place of refuge.
Don’t shut him out. Don’t shame him or guilt him. If I had a guess, that’s probably what you want to do – I know that was true for me. The hardest thing was embracing who God said he was – a new creation – and not giving up (believe me, giving up would have been the easy thing to do).
When your man is struggling in any way – whether that’s doing a double-take of the billboard with the half-naked lady, dirty thoughts, old pictures and memories coming to his mind and getting stuck there – remind him to open his heart to you during those times and pray for him. Let him share those vulnerable parts of him that struggle.
The more openness there is in the struggle, the more he won’t be dealing with it alone. And that is a wonderful thing. Jesus talks about freedom in the open. Be a place where your husband can find freedom from the demons inside by helping him through it.
These days we’ve created some pretty solid boundaries and safeguards against which technology we allow ourselves to use and what we choose to watch.
Here are some of our boundaries:
- Gordon doesn’t watch tv alone.
- We don’t watch TV-MA or rated R movies if they have those ratings for sexual content.
- We use accountability software on all of our electronics (phones, tv’s & computers). Because just blocking it doesn’t solve the issue.
They may seem extreme to some, but they work for us and you know what? Gordon actually feels freer than ever before because we’ve build safeguards together.
The final way you can support your husband is to encourage him regularly.
I believe it is our job as their wife to remind our men of who they are. Remind them that they DO have what it takes to overcome any obstacle, that it is OK to cry and share their hearts, and that they are not failures.
It is important that our men hear these words from us. It’s amazing what a little encouragement will do for the men in your life. Saying “thank you” to a man is like him telling you that he loves you. That is one of the best ways to tell him he is loved.
You’re sitting and watching a movie and out of nowhere, a naked woman comes on the screen. Does he close his eyes? Turn his head?
If he’s trying, let him know you see it and praise him for it.
You’ve noticed he’s been a little stressed out lately, maybe hasn’t been sleeping. Pursue him sexually. Even if he’s not stressed out, when you do this you are telling him you want and desire him (remember his core question?).
Getting into the habit of thanking the man in your life will do wonders. It will make his heart soar! And a man whose heart’s longing is being answered daily, that man can conquer the world and won’t need to go elsewhere to find that validation.
I’ve known many women who say they have nothing wrong with their man looking at pornography. If he needs release…he needs it! Ladies, pornography is not OK. Any form of sexual immorality is not ok. If he needs release, be there for him in that way. Remember, become that safe place. You may think it’s ok, but you’re only kidding yourself. In the long run this addiction – like any addiction – will harm your marriage in unimaginable ways!
You see, the reason pornography is so damaging is because what a man sees with his eyes is instantly stored in his mind and he can recall that image anytime he wants to. His mind just flips through the mental “photobook” and pulls up the image. And sometimes those images—even one’s he looked at 10 years ago—will randomly pop up in his mind. Do you really want your husband thinking about someone else or imagining someone else when they’re with you? I definitely don’t.
My husband has told me that he will have flashbacks from pornographic images he looked at over 15 years ago. And that is why we have such an open, vulnerable, “must talk” policy when it comes to anything he see’s or recalls coming back to the forefront of his mind and together – and we attack it with prayer.
What a man see’s sticks with him for years, if not his whole life.
Now, this can be an amazing thing. The first time he saw you smile from across the room; when you walked down the aisle at your wedding; what you wore on your honeymoon that first night . . . all of these are forever imprinted in his mind. It can be a beautiful gift if encouraged the right way.
Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Sister, keep on fighting for each other.
This is a topic I’ve longed to write more about and express more vulnerability in. SO, what are your questions? Experiences? What are your secrets to walking this out together?
All my Love,
