Why “Keeping Score” Matters in Marriage
Tarah Avery
I know what you’re thinking. What do you mean by “keep score?” and how could it possibly benefit my marriage?
Would it be safe to say that most relationships DO keep score, just not in a positive way? I think so.
A mentor of mine once told me about a couple that she knew who played a kinda funny game. The reason this game was “funny” is because it was counterintuitive to our instincts.
We are all naturally selfish creatures. We want what we want when we want, how we want (say that 5x’s!); in the end, our happiness is the most important, right? I know I fight this battle daily, and I don’t think I am alone in this (please comment below if you can relate. Just type “amen” or “I feel ya sister.” It might ease the fear of putting myself out there for all the world to see).
Anyway, Gordon and I have started creating some great habits in our lives. We are both entrepreneurs, but both low doer/achievers. We love relaxing and we both love to sleep. Let’s just say our work life can be a little tough.
So we need schedules. We need goals. We need rewards for reaching those goals. And we need accountability. Big time. Anybody?
This year we’ve woken up on time regularly every day in the new year without going back to sleep, and we’ve exercised daily – at least during workdays. Thank you Michael Hyatt for your Full Focus Planner. It has changed our lives!
Today I didn’t want to go running. I didn’t feel like it and as much as I knew Gordon wanted to, I became stubborn and selfish and wouldn’t relent. So we didn’t go running like we probably should have.
He didn’t hold a grudge. He was disappointed but he wasn’t mad at me. Instead, he made me another cup of coffee, handed me my novel, and we both had an extra hour of reading time before our workday. Needless to say, I could have done better. When I chose to be selfish he chose to be selfless and love me through it.
He does a much better job at “keeping score” in our marriage than I do most of the time. Remember that couple I was telling you about that played that weird game? Here is how it works:
1) Keep track of all the selfless things your spouse does for you on a daily basis.
(making your coffee, saying something nice, fixing breakfast or lunch, leaving a cute love note on the mirror – it could be anything).
2) Try to “out-give” them.
Go the extra mile for them. Keep finding all the little things they do and one-up them just a little bit.
It’s easy to keep track of our spouse’s bad habits. It’s easy to remember all the things they didn’t do or you wish they would do. It’s easy to decide to be selfish and seek out our own happiness above our spouse’s.
But the thing that sets an extraordinary couple apart from the great is being intentional about the little things.
So instead of keeping score of all the negative aspects of the relationship with your spouse and then holding it over them at the most opportune times, erase the score and start over. Start fresh but with a new perspective, a new motivation, and a new goal in mind.
Keep track of how great your spouse is and how much they give to you. It not only keeps us grounded in gratefulness but also keeps that selfishness at bay most of the time. It will keep your perspective positive and make you want to reward your spouse for all the great things they do.
And soon all that negative stuff that you’ve been focusing on for too long will fall to the back burner and won’t matter as much as it once did.
So start your list. Maybe look for 3 things your partner has done to serve you, and as you take notice keep adding to that list.
What is one thing on your list?
Your Friend,
