Men: 2 Red Flags That You’re NOT OK
Tarah Avery
Every little girl and every little boy share a longing to be loved. And that longing does not go away as we grow into adults. It may be covered up in shame, guilt, inadequacy, failure, or loneliness, but it does not go away.
A man’s longing to be loved looks different than a woman’s. The little boy who is now a man has always wanted to know if he’s adequate, so he asks, “Do I have what it takes?” The little girl who has grown into a woman wants to know if she’s beautiful, so she asks, “Am I lovely? Do I captivate you?”
Men were made in the image of a warrior God. Do you know a man who doesn’t, at his heart, want to be a warrior? (Gordon just started the “top knot,” the men’s hairstyle where the sides are shaved but you have a bun on top. He looks at his hair, then looks at me and says, “Babe! I feel like a warrior!” )
That is proof enough for me.
The rough and tumble, the action-packed cops and robbers games; the dress up and twirling skirts, those are all cries for our childhood questions to be answered.
When sin came into this world via Adam & Eve (the first humans on earth), each was cursed in different ways due to sin. Here were the results (Genesis 3:16-18):
To the woman he said,
“I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to your children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
To Adam he said,
“Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you.”
The curse on Adam cannot be limited to only those who work the ground, otherwise, any man who is not a farmer would get a free pass from the curse. And the same with women; not only does this curse apply to women to bear children, but what about the many who don’t? It applies to us all.
Let’s talk about Adam’s curse. The meanings of these curses are deeper and the implications are for every man. In modern terms, man is cursed with failure. Life will be hard for a man in the place he will feel it most. Failure is every man’s worst fear.
As John Eldredge says in “Wild at Heart,“ “Nearly all a man does is fueled by his search for validation, that longing he carries for an answer to his question.”
So what happens when a man ‘s question goes unanswered?
In short, he becomes one of 2 things or a crazy mix of both:
He becomes a passive and silent man.
His strength has gone away. He may be present physically but is emotionally absent. He doesn’t fight for the marriage gone wrong, he sits idly watching it crumble, feeling he doesn’t have what it takes to fix it.
This was the case in my own family. My mom divorced my dad, but my dad didn’t fight. He didn’t sign any divorce papers, but he didn’t really fight for the marriage, he didn’t fight for the woman that he loved. Neither mother nor father was really answering their deep heart questions. Dad was told he was a failure over and over again, maybe not in those exact words, but he got the messages, and mom got the message that she was no longer captivating to him, she wasn’t worth the fight. So they both gave up.
He becomes a driven and violent man.
His strength gone bad. He begins to use his strength to become power-hungry. Anything that will make him feel more powerful. So he abuses with his words and his actions, he becomes controlling and manipulative. All to have a false sense of power and to tell himself the lie that what he is doing, and how he is treating other people, proves that he does have what it takes. And it’s all an illusion.
Both are misconceptions about how God meant for a man’s strength to be used. Men were not meant to throw away their strength and become passive, nor were they meant to abuse their strength and turn into monsters.
So what can we as women do?
I believe it is our job as the women in their lives, whether they’re our father, brother, husband, or boyfriend, to remind our men of who they are. Remind them that they DO have what it takes to overcome any obstacle, they can save their marriage and fight for their wife. Remind them that it is OK to cry and share their hearts, that they are not failures.
It is important that our men hear these words from us. It’s amazing what a little encouragement will do for the men in your life.
Gordon tells me all the time that it is important for him to know what will make me happy. He hates to see me upset or angry, especially at him. So the more clear communication I can give him on ways to make his wifey happy, the happier he is. Sometimes guys need a clear outline.
Does that mean that we scold, nag, or complain to them about all the ways they’re doing it wrong? No way! That is one of the worst things we can do as women. We just gently let them know how to do it right without bossing them around. Encouragement is the key, I think.
Use lots of words. Especially “thank you.” The more we can praise his actions, the more he will feel like he is a stud, and that he has what it takes to make his woman happy.
I have gotten so in the habit of thanking Gordon all throughout the day that you’d probably think it silly the things I thank him for: making me breakfast or coffee (when we’re actually making it together), making the bed or loading the dishwasher (a common occurrence in our household.) Even after sex, I say thank you (what better moment is there? Now he is “THE man”).
Saying “thank you” to a man is like him telling you that he loves you. That is one of the best ways to tell him he is loved.
Getting into the habit of thanking the man in your life will do wonders. It will make his heart soar! And a man whose heart’s longing is being answered daily, that man can conquer the world.
What can you say “thank you” for today?
Make it a habit this week. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
All my Love,
