His Needs: The 3 Longings of a Man’s Heart

Tarah Avery

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Have you ever been curious about what is actually on a man’s heart? What is going on inside of him, what is he thinking?

The longings that God has placed on our hearts as men and women are unique and also show the different aspects of God’s heart. We were created by God and created in his image, which means that God is both feminine and masculine. Each of us can paint a unique picture of who God is and what he desires out of his relationship with us.

God is telling each of us something essential about what it means to be a woman, what it means to be a man, and the life that he meant for us to live.

Ladies: Understanding the heart of a man and discovering what truly makes him come alive is a journey toward the restoration and release of the expectations and ideas of what your man should be like. It’s important to understand who he is as a man and how God intricately crafted him with specific desires and longings, and then use that knowledge to understand how we get to be a part of restoring him to his true self – the embracing of what it means to be a man, and living in that purpose.

Men: The journey to discovering what God meant when he created you in his image begins with your hearts. It begins with understanding the core questions you’ve been carrying around with you your whole life.

And the longing to get those core questions answered is there because God longs for them too.

So, what are the core longings of a man’s heart?

1. He longs for a battle to fight.

Men are made for battle. That’s why as boys they play weapons with sticks, they wrestle and slam each other against walls. That is how boys show affection. Crazy. Men show their love through honor and loyalty – that is how they say, “I love you.”

We look at movies like Braveheart, Gladiator, The Avengers, or Wolverine. Men long to be those guys, the heroes those movies portray. Honestly, ladies, don’t you long for a man who will fight for you? We don’t fear a man’s strength if he is a good man.

Allow your man to fight for you and encourage (not nag)) him to. Let him know that you need him to initiate hard conversations with parents or friends (Gordon has had to do a lot of that in the past couple of years with both sides of our family), or that he needs to stop smoking, or drinking, or whatever dirty little habit he struggles with because you need his attention to be on the family – because he is needed.

Men are fighting all sorts of battles, good and bad, and our role is to encourage him to fight them. That desire to overcome and be the hero is in him. He might just need someone to believe him there.

Gordon is a full-time musician. Sometimes I forget that he needs constant affirmation that he can do it. Affirmation that he can provide for us financially working weddings and events, that he is talented, and that I am in it with him. That I believe in him.

And that leads us to the second longing of a man’s heart:

2. He longs + dreams of adventure.

Boys love to climb trees, build forts, and be gone all day long getting lost in their world of adventure. It’s not only a boy thing, either. Have you ever seen a man who loves to buy toys? Boats, four-wheelers, jet skis, you name it. It’s not just their “toys;” it’s their hearts longing for adventure and is a deeply spiritual thing for every man. 

As John Eldredge says in Wild at Heart, “Adventure requires something of us, puts us to the test.”

And the funny thing is that men may fear the test. Their deep fear is failure, yet they yearn to be tested. If they can win and beat that fear of failure they will discover that they have what it takes and that is their heart’s deepest question.

It’s easy for men to make us ladies their adventure. It’s also easy for them to stop pursuing us once the adventure is over and they win the girl.

But it’s incredibly important that we seek an adventure with them. We long to be part of the adventure that he is pursuing. Let him know that; tell him you want to be part of his adventure – whether that’s a new business or going hunting, camping, or hiking. If you allow him to sweep you away on his adventure without telling him what or how to do it, you will find a connectedness in your spirits because you are both filling a longing of each other’s hearts.

3. He longs for a beauty to rescue.

Lonely men fight lonely battles. And that is because men don’t just need battles to fight, they need a beauty to fight for. What would inspire a man to courage more than a woman he loves? 

I don’t think there is anything out there more inspiring. Men who fight wars in history and battles today are known to carry around photos of their ladies and write them passionate love letters. It is his beauty that he fights for because men love to offer their strength to women.

“A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man; it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero. Would that we all were so fortunate.” –John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

I don’t know if you’ve read “Her Needs: The 3 Longings of a Woman’s Heart,” but put this article alongside that one and the two articles together paint a beautiful picture of the blending between a man and a woman’s deepest desires. They were meant to fit together.

*She longs to be romanced; he longs for a battle to fight, to pursue.

When we let our man know that we need him to pursue us, we long for him to swoop in and save the day, he will, because that is his heart’s desire.

In Shaunti Feldhahn ‘s studies of men and women in her books, “For Women Only” & “For Men Only,” she concludes that women change more over time than men do. And I think God did that on purpose. I am guessing that men need that battle to fight-that woman to pursue, so we are ever-changing, making our man work to pursue us in new and unique ways. We are a challenge for him and that is a good thing.

*She longs to be part of a great adventure, he longs for adventure.

We both long for adventure, so why do we stifle it out of each other so often? It’s ok to take risks, it’s ok to be unsure. Pursue big things! Allow yourself the adventure to dream big and go after those dreams. Take a vacation every once in a while, try new things, go to a new restaurant and order something different! 

There are all sorts of ways to do adventure. Sometimes it’s just about stepping out of our comfort zones and embracing the excitement of the unknown. Like moving to a new city. That’s what we did! Just for the fun of it. And wow, has it been an adventure!

Ladies, don’t we love it when our men soak in our inward and outward beauty? Isn’t it just the best feeling in the world to be delighted in? Allow him to soak you in when you are feeling down, ugly, bloated; when your body is changing and you don’t feel like you once did – allow him to rescue you and revel in the beauty that he sees instead of shrugging it off like it’s meaningless or assume he’s “just saying that.”

I have had my fair share of those days and I am continually learning to take in Gordons compliments by saying “thank you,” and relax in his delight in me.

Don’t try to do it all alone! Allow his help and guidance; he will love that opportunity! Not because you’re weak and need a man to help you with everything, but because you want to meet his heart’s longing to rescue his beauty.

Out of the 3 longings above, which one most surprises you?

We can’t do it all by ourselves. Only Jesus can truly fill the longings of our hearts, but he created us to complement each other and be a part of restoring one another to our true selves. 

Your Friend,