One of the Best Kept Secrets to a Successful Marriage
Tarah Avery
Now there are tons of ways to keep a marriage healthy and thriving – things like good communication, learning and growing together, going on a weekly date night, etc.
But what I mean when I say “successful marriage,” I am talking about the kind of couple who in their old age are still the best of friends, whose children look at them and could only hope for a marriage like theirs. A couple who lays down their lives for each other daily, and encourages one another to be the best person/spouse/parent/friend they can be.
I am inspired by countless couples who represent this type of marriage, and I see the effect it has had on the people around them. It’s attractive; we all want it, don’t we?
So how do we get there?
I don’t have all the answers by any means, but I can offer this one suggestion. There is this thing that we (Gordon and I) do 4 times a year. We learned it from a couple who has had a thriving & adventurous marriage for over 40 years! They shared their secret to a successful marriage with us, so I am sharing it with you.
Four times a year we go away on a mini-vacation, just the two of us (Parents: its OK to leave the kids at home. They’ll thank you for it later). It’s what our mentors call “Superdates,” in other words, an extended date. Overnight 1-2 nights (2 is the best). It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. We’ve even gone camping a couple of times. What is important is that you get away.
We’ve created this habit in our life since we were dating. Back in “those days” we would visit family and friends, but always make sure we had time to ourselves. We weren’t going to go away on our own because, let’s be honest, I believe one of the healthiest things for your future marriage is to save sex for after you say “I Do,” and going away just the two of you before you’re married is setting yourself up to disaster. Talk about temptation! But that’s for another time.
Superdates are full of purpose. It is a time for you and your spouse’s hearts to reconnect, to have shared adventure and romance.
And so I’d like to share with you the secret formula that my in-laws shared with us in our early years together. It’s a 3 -piece formula that they’ve discovered (after 40+ years) makes for the best Superdate.
Are you ready? Here it is:
1) Every Superdate needs to have a little adventure. Do something or go somewhere adventurous.
For us, adventure usually looks like going on a hike. Or even sometimes the drive is adventure enough for us. It all depends on how you two as a couple define “adventure.”
This part of the formula is in place mostly for the guys, as they tend to enjoy quality activities more often than quality conversation. So, maybe you need to step out of your comfort zone to do something extra adventurous that your husband would like (skydiving anyone?).
2) Every Superdate also needs a little romance. Plan something romantic!
This part of the formula is in place mostly for the ladies, since we long to be delighted in. This could include going out for a nice dinner, taking an evening stroll through the park, or a sunset walk on the beach. Romance could even look like snuggling together on the couch watching a romantic comedy (where are my “Sleepless in Seattle” ladies at??).
3) Lastly, every Superdate must have a heart check-up.
What we call the “heart checkup” is all about sharing our hearts and is probably the most important part of the Superdate. It is time set aside for complete honesty between the two of you.
Here is how it goes:
- Prepare ahead of time to share 1 thing you would like your spouse to do more or less of (RULE: This is not the time to get defensive. This is about being selfless for your partner’s sake).
Listen and then thank them, because in that moment we are sharpening one another to be better spouses and overall better human beings.
Over the years Gordon has requested lots of different things ranging from double-checking I locked the car when I get out to putting in an effort to take better care of my body (he had to word that one in a very body-affirming, positive way). I have requested from him things like picking up and putting away his clothes that he leaves on the floor to leading us in prayer more often.
- Finish it off with 3 things your partner is doing very well, things that make you happy and want to encourage them to keep on doing.
This part is really fun. Once Gordon started leading us in prayer more, our next Superdate I got to affirm that he was doing an amazing job at that request and I wanted to see him continue with that habit. The goal is that you won’t need to make the same requests every Superdate. Hopefully, you both take each other seriously enough to love them well by following through.
But let’s be honest, sometimes we need to be reminded to keep working on that thing that is so hard for us to do (like lock the car door).
When Gordon and I first started doing this we did a 3 to 3 ratio, 3 things each other could work on, and 3 things we loved that the other did. We quickly, very quickly, learned that 3:3 is just too much. The positive must outweigh the negative. Otherwise, while you may hear the positive, the negative is more likely to stick with you. So we now do a 1:3 ratio, and that makes us each feel like we earned that pat on the back.
Obviously, there will be exceptions to the rule when it comes to Superdates. You may not be able to take 4 a year no matter how short they are, but make it a priority to take at least 2 per year. Look at your season and adapt to what will work best for you. And yes, you should always have good communication in marriage, have regular heart checkups. Superdates just ensures that when priorities like those fall to the back burner during normal life, as they often do, there is an already-scheduled date set to ensure that you are at least sharing your hearts 4x a year.
Gordon and I have been putting this habit into practice over 5 years now and it has made a huge impact on the overall health of our marriage. This works guys!
I want to encourage you to start adding Superdates to your calendar. Remember, it’s ok to keep them simple. Maybe once it becomes a regular habit you can add “super-duper dates,” which for us is a weeklong Superdate rather than two days.
It just keeps getting better!
Where do you want to go on your first superdate? What type of adventures and romance get you excited?
Your Friend,
