The 2 Most Common Mistakes We Make When Being Honest With Our Friends
Tarah Avery
Do you feel it’s tough sometimes, to be honest with your friends without hurting their feelings? Have you ever been too honest and then wished you could have taken another approach?
I am a woman blessed in friendship. I am a rich woman. And I am learning that each of these variously gifted women in my life offers something of unique value that the others don’t. Their differences from each other and from me enrich my life!
Author Staci Eldredge tells us that scripture exhorts us to speak the truth in love. Which means don’t speak the truth in anger, resentment, or with the desire to wound. We need to be careful to check our motives behind speaking the truth. We want to be aware of the “why” behind the desire to share something.
I have deeply hurt friendships in the past from speaking too much truth. At the time I truly thought I was doing the right thing and that my motives were clean, but looking back I see my motives were not honest, and I was in a place of too much hurt to be able to put my feelings aside and talk honestly with a soft heart. Speaking out with negative feelings toward another’s words, actions or lifestyle can be very dangerous. Too much truth is too hard to handle, for anyone. Especially raw, unfiltered truth.
A mentor once told me that when we don’t speak the truth in love, it is no longer true. I did not speak the truth in love on those occasions. Instead, I chose to speak the truth in hurt, anger, and frustration; the outcome of that only caused more hurt, anger, and frustration. Have you been here? I sure hope I am not the only one who has damaged friendships that are, to this day, still on the mend.
There are 2 principles I have learned about friendship over the years:
That telling the truth is not about telling all the facts.
Because you see, it’s not that we are keeping secrets or telling lies. We are protecting those we love from a deep hurt. Of course, we shouldn’t share everything with our friends. They are human, too, with feelings and a heart that can be wounded. We need to draw a fine line between speaking in love vs. bitterness, anger, jealousy, etc. Because the truth is, we all know inside when we are making silly choices or when we’re not being the friend we would want others to be to us.
But what we can do when our friends are making unwise choices or need a little bit of accountability or correction? We can remind, encourage, and believe in them, and sometimes a little bit of truth will get them there.
Using phrases like, “the truth hurts” or “I’m just being honest” are the common phrases when you want to be honest but brutal. But what our friends need to hear is truth spoken out of love, not brutality.
That not saying anything at all is just about as hurtful as being too honest.
I have let friends make unwise choices and never said anything at all. Usually, because they were so excited or so happy that I didn’t want to ruin their happiness by being a “Debbie Downer.” I wanted to be happy for them because they were so happy!
But what I have realized is that by not saying anything to them about my concerns was not loving them at all. Sometimes our friends need to hear the hard truth, maybe they’re addicted to a substance, or in a bad relationship. The loving thing to do in this situation is to say something. Express your concern and ask them how you can be there for them.
Because I love Zion, I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her, until her righteousness shines like the dawn and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.
-Isaiah 62:1
One of the best things my friend did for me what tell me that she was concerned about a fling I was in. I took her concern to heart and decided to end it before we invested any more time into each other. I thank her to this day for speaking up about it.
The thing is, we can’t control our friends -how they decide to respond is up to them, how they decide to perceive your reaching out, it is up to them. But it’s important to say something if you are worried about them because it shows what and who is important to you.
By choosing to be passive and not say anything we are saying that we don’t really care that much for the welfare of our friends. Ouch.
As Stasi says, “Friends need to be fought for.” Don’t let the little things get between you, and if they do, talk about it. But take the time first to think things through, give your emotions to Jesus and then walk into the conversation with a heart of love.
Friendship can be hard, and true friends come around seldom. Take care of them, be tender with your words but also have the courage to speak out when need be.
To those friends I have hurt, I am deeply sorry. I’m sorry for the times I let my emotions get the better of me and I hurt you. I was wrong and I will work toward becoming better in order to love you better. You are worth fighting for.
-T
In one sentence, what is one thing you’ve learned about friendship?
Your Friend,
