This One Thing Could Make All the Difference in the Quality of Your Marriage

Tarah Avery

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Is it your dream to be married? Do you ever fear that the clock’s ticking away and your time is dwindling?

I know how it feels to want to be married. Very few people want to end up alone. I would say that it is one of our deepest fears. Too often we allow our joy to be stolen by watching friends or family finding “the one,” getting married and living happily ever after.

I never had a lot of boyfriends and I was never one to really date. No one had ever caught my fancy enough to want to be with, but honestly, no one really pursued me either. What was wrong with me? I always wanted to be married. I think we are raised that way. It’s what you do – grow up and get married. Right?

But I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I didn’t want to be alone, I feared what other people thought of me always being the single girl. As friends were getting engaged my thoughts wandered to, “Will it ever happen for me? Will someone ever pursue me? There’s definitely something wrong…” I wanted a dream wedding, too. And what about kids? Will I be too old when I finally start a family?

Then I was in a camp in Bangladesh. I had decided that a missionary’s life is what I would live. I would travel the globe speaking Jesus’ love to all people. And I would do it by myself. As a single woman. I believed that was the path God was showing me and I was okay with that. I desired to love people and go wherever, whenever God led, and for however long He desired.

One night in our concrete compound, some of my girlfriends were making videos for their boyfriends (who would soon become their spouses). I felt alone like never before watching these ladies giggle in excitement at filming something special for their men. I was the outcast…again. The girl who never had a boyfriend and couldn’t be a part of that special video.

And pretty instantly something happened. “I don’t want to do full-time missions by myself!” My desires changed just like that. I wanted to do life with someone, as one unit, even if it meant that I couldn’t be a full-time missionary. I wanted to be a wife for the first time in my life. Not only to get married but to be a wife. 

I think God waited until I understood that getting married is about becoming a wife first. It is the desire to be a wife that was the difference. Becoming a wife is a serious business. It’s no small thing to be trifled with.

You see, friends, if you go into marriage for selfish reasons such as so that you won’t end up alone, or so you can finally have kids – though these are both legit reasons – marriage will not be what you thought it would be. You will end up married and lonely.

Marriage is a selfless act. It means putting your spouse before yourself every day. That may mean even putting off kids for the time being while you care for your spouse first. You should both be ready for kids, as ready as you can be, for the well being of not only your marriage but your children as well. No child deserves to be born into a family that is unhealthy. Marry to become a husband or wife first. Children will come later.

I love loving my husband in the way he deserves. He deserves to be praised, and adored, and believed in; not scolded, mothered, or told he is a failure. And that is what wives do. We love our husband regardless of who they choose to be or the dumb, hurtful choices they make sometimes.

That’s how God sees us, and isn’t that reason enough to treat each other with the same selflessness, grace, and forgiveness that he gives us?

All those years ago I was naïve about marriage. I didn’t realize that I wanted it for selfish reasons.

As Matt Chandler says, “it’s better to be lonely now than married and lonely later.” If you cannot be happy in your singleness, marriage won’t change that.

I thank God that I didn’t go into marriage with that mindset. How destructive that could have been for both of us. How truly amazing it is to know how to love deeply.

It’s not too late for you, even if you are married or engaged. You decide today to become the wife that your husband deserves or the husband that your wife deserves (even if he or she sometimes doesn’t really deserve it). It’s something you choose.

Ask God today to come into the places where you’ve been hurt by your spouse and ask for healing. This may take some time, so I encourage you to journal your feelings, thoughts, prayers, and memories. Record them and every day give those back to God. Surrender it. Ask him to take the weight of blame, resentment, bitterness, and un-forgiveness away.

And slowly it will melt away and you’ll begin to receive that healing. When that happens it will become easier to embrace being a spouse the way God intended.

I believe in you. Don’t rush it for the wrong reasons. Wait patiently and you will reap the benefits later. You deserve the best and that means experiencing a beautiful, meaningful, and deep marriage with your spouse.

In a couple of words to describe what you hope to bring to your marriage, whether you’re married, single, or in a relationship, what qualities do you want as a wife? As a husband?

Your Friend,