What “Listening” Means to a Woman
Gordon Avery
I have taken the coward’s path all too often.
As a man, I’m a big fan of formulas. Give me a problem; I’ll give you my formula. Solution granted!
Guys like to fix stuff. And you know what we hate? Not being able to fix stuff.
And so, if I have no idea how to fix something, I simply. . .
Shut down.
Check out.
Get passive.
Pretend like nothing is wrong.
Flip on the TV.
Veg out.
I take the coward’s path.
And far too often. . .I do this. . .to the beautiful woman in my life.
I always know when something is wrong. Because she gets really quiet. Uh oh. And the thought comes to my mind. . .
Last time I asked what was bothering her, she told me, I give her a great solution, and then she got mad saying I wasn’t “listening to her.”
I hate seeing her struggle. I long to see her happy. But every time I try to help she just gets upset.
So this time. . .I won’t even bring it up.
But what I didn’t realize what that, in reality, she didn’t want me to fix anything.
A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it. She doesn’t want to be solved, she wants to be known. (John Eldredge. Wild at Heart)
She didn’t want my answers. She wanted my eyes. She needed to know that I understand how she felt.
She wasn’t looking for me to conquer her problem. She was hoping I’d conquer her fear that she is all alone in this emotional mess.
And the best way to win this battle for her is to shut my mouth and listen with my eyes.
Let’s Get Practical
Sometimes a woman does want advice. So how do you know what she wants?
Here is some of the best practical advice I’ve ever received.
As she begins sharing politely ask: Are you wanting advice? Or do you just want someone to listen to you?
When she says “listen” you can relax and put your toolbox away. Give her great eye contact and be silent.
Oh, one more thing. . .
Never. Ever. Ever say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Best,
