What’s the Secret Behind Men?
Gordon Avery
I’ve done some pretty crazy things as a young man. I’ve paid good money to put myself through incredible amounts of pain. And loved it.
Ten day long conditioning camps in which you had to be able to do 100 pushups just get in; 200 miles in one day on a bicycle (and that was when I was ten years old); and numerous “fun” races which left me unable to walk.
These battles did not scare me off. I embraced them gladly. I was not afraid. Bring it on.
But there is one thing that absolutely terrifies me.
Dancing.
Now I say this as a man whose favorite show is So You Think You Can Dance. Deep inside this warrior rests an artist waiting to express himself to a Katy Perry remix.
So it was certainly a big moment when I manned up and took dance lessons with my beautiful wife. It was the most nerve-racking experience of my life. Never before have I experienced more self-doubt.
And there is reason for this. There is a reason why I can sing or speak in front of hundreds of people without a problem but shake in nervousness when dancing in front of ten.
It is, in fact, the secret behind all men.
Men and women tend to feel their sense of value in different ways. Women mostly find it in the quality of their relationships. Just about everything is intertwined with relationships. Even going to the bathroom is a relational experience.
Men on the other hand are wired a bit differently.
“Men like to be liked, but it’s not everything for us. Most of our value doesn’t come from relationships; it comes from accomplishments: How do I measure up? Did I do well? Did I win?
In relationships, it’s more important to a man to be respected than to be liked.
That’s why men take failure so personally. When we fail, it often feels like we may never recover. . .
[For] a man’s greatest fear is failure, and his greatest pain is regret.
Most men don’t want to fail even once. We want to measure up and be successful at anything we try. This is why we don’t play if we don’t think we can win.”
(Fight. Craig Groeschel.)
For a man, failure is an intimately personal affair. This is why dancing frightens me so. Because I’m not that good; and I want to be good at everything.
The secret to reaching a man’s heart is not to make him feel worthy of love on the inside, but to cause him to feel worthy of love on the outside.
The question that haunts him at night is not—am I loved? But rather—am I able?
Make a man feel that you believe in his abilities on the outside, and you will have touched him deeply on the inside. This is the secret behind us men.
Best,
