How Focusing on Yourself Makes ALL the Difference in Dating
Tarah Avery
Doesn’t dating stink?
You put yourself out there only to be rejected over and over again, until one day, just maybe, you find someone who will not reject you. Have you gone through enough heartbreak & emotional stress only to find yourself single again? Are you tired of it?
I know this sounds like some sort of sales pitch that I am going to throw your way and…it kind of is. But stick with me because I have seen it work over and over again.
You don’t have to over-exhaust your emotions from investing in relationships time and time again only to see them fail, while at the same time feeling your self-esteem go down the drain.
Gordon and I are passionate about healthy relationships and building healthy self-esteem, so let’s start with the basics.
As a young woman, I didn’t date much. In fact, besides Gordon, I had one summer fling that lasted barely 2 months (which is one reason I decided to write this article). It’s not that I wasn’t interested in guys. It’s just that the right guys weren’t coming along.
You see, I was super picky. I had friends who dated a lot, and it seemed to me to be exhausting and way too emotional for my liking.
During these times of singleness, I began to learn the type of guy that I wanted to marry (I did not say date) before I had even dated anyone! I started asking myself questions and figuring out which qualities I was looking for and most importantly, the non-negotiables that wouldn’t change about me. For instance, my faith in Jesus – that was not going to change so it was important for me to be with someone who was also passionately in love with Jesus.
I was told by a lot of people that I had to date to figure out what I wanted. The typical reason for dating, right? But I am telling you from experience and seeing it in other people that you CAN know what you want without wasting time or a flood of emotions.
If you are tired of the dating game, and you want to try a different route to finding your person, this is for you.
I have to warn you though that it isn’t easier; it doesn’t mean it will happen sooner, but it will totally be worth every ounce of time and patience that you put into it.
OK, here is the pitch!
Finding a great man takes becoming a great woman.
And finding a great woman requires becoming a great man.
You attract people who are like you. Look at the kind of person you are. Are you loyal? Kind? Honest? Trustworthy? If you are, then you’ll most likely attract a guy who is also those things. If you’re not? well, you’ll attract the person that you don’t want to be with or won’t work out in the long run.
So what do you do?
1. Don’t rush into a relationship to fill the hole in your heart.
No thing (and especially no person) can fill the void inside of your heart. Only Jesus can do that.
2. Understand who Jesus says you are.
Your identity is formed out of the things that you believe about yourself. These may be true or false beliefs. But what Jesus says about you is true, even if it takes some time for it to sink in.
3. Decide, what are your non-negotiables?
The matter-of-fact things that you’ll be a stickler about. No settling here!
4. Get to know a person in a group of people rather than one on one.
You’d be surprised at how different they can be, and it could be for the better or worse.
5. Make your list and then evaluate that list.
Are there more material things on there or character things? What qualities and character are you truly looking for in a spouse? Are you those things? Remember you will attract who you are.
So instead of looking outside of yourself, start looking at yourself and work on the qualities that you want to possess.
I have found that seeking those qualities and discovering the qualities you want in another person is best pursued through spending time with Jesus. And discovering who he says you are.
What are some of those top things on your list?
Your Friend,
